Communication is often seen as a simple exchange of words and ideas, yet it is deeply influenced by individual perceptions, emotions, and past experiences. Miscommunication can be especially prevalent when trauma and rejection sensitivity come into play. These factors shape how people interpret messages, leading to misunderstandings that can fracture relationships and mute genuine comprehension.
The following discussion explores how trauma and rejection sensitivity impact communication, how conflicts escalate due to misinterpretations, and how we can foster healthier interactions.
The Role of Trauma in Communication
Trauma, especially relational trauma, conditions individuals to anticipate harm in their interactions. When someone has experienced repeated rejection, neglect, or betrayal, their nervous system remains hyper-vigilant, scanning for potential threats. As a result:
- Defensive Listening – A person with trauma may hear criticism or malice even when none is intended.
- Emotional Reactivity – Triggers from past experiences can cause an immediate emotional reaction that overshadows the present conversation.
- Projection – Past pain is projected onto current relationships, creating conflict where there may not have been one.
Trauma affects communication by filtering words through a lens of past wounds. Even neutral statements can feel like attacks when interpreted through the trauma filter.
Rejection Sensitivity and Its Impact
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is a heightened emotional response to perceived rejection or criticism. It is often associated with neurodivergence, particularly for some who have ADHD or autism, but can also stem from childhood experiences or relational trauma. People with high rejection sensitivity may:
-Over-analyse conversations, searching for signs of disapproval.
- React defensively, assuming rejection is imminent even when it’s not.
- Withdraw or cut off relationships to avoid anticipated rejection.
This dynamic can make difficult conversations even harder, as even well-intentioned feedback may be met with emotional distress or perceived as a personal attack.
How Miscommunication Escalates Conflict
The interplay of trauma, rejection sensitivity, and communication breakdowns often leads to unnecessary conflicts. The following example, inspired by the brilliant cartoon by Sarah Akinterinwa (@sarah_akinterwina on instagram), demonstrates how easily a conversation can spiral:
1. Person A:What you did really hurt me."
2. Person B:"I’m not a bad person!"
3. Person A:"Oh no, I’m just telling you how I feel."
4. Person B: “Well, that hurts my feelings."
5.Person A:"But what about how I feel?"
6. Person B: Maybe we just shouldn’t be friends.
7. Person B to another person later: "She called me a bad person and cut me off. She’s crazy."
Here, Person A attempts to express hurt, but Person B perceives this as an attack on their character rather than an expression of emotion. The conversation quickly derails into defensiveness and emotional escalation, leading to the loss of the friendship. The final step—misrepresenting the interaction to a third party—solidifies the misunderstanding.
A rephrase might be:
Person A: “I felt hurt when XYZ happened.”
Person B: “I didn’t mean it like that, sorry, can we talk about it?” Or, “I feel bad that I upset you, that definitely wasn’t my intention.”
Breaking the Cycle of Miscommunication
Understanding these dynamics can help us foster more productive conversations and healthier relationships. Here are key strategies:
1. Active Listening Without Defensiveness
Instead of immediately reacting, take a moment to process what the other person is saying. Ask yourself: “Are they attacking me, or are they expressing their own emotions?”
2. Validating Feelings Without Taking Blame
Validation does not mean agreement. Saying, "I understand that hurt you" does not equate to admitting wrongdoing—it simply acknowledges the other person’s experience.
3. Clarifying Intentions
If unsure about the meaning behind someone's words, ask for clarification rather than assuming. *"Can you explain what you mean by that?"* prevents unnecessary conflict.
4. Managing Emotional Reactivity
If a conversation becomes emotionally overwhelming, take a break to self-regulate before continuing. Pausing prevents reactive responses that may be regretted later.
5. Recognising When Trauma or Rejection Sensitivity Is at Play
Awareness is crucial. If you or the other person struggles with past trauma or rejection sensitivity, approaching conversations with extra care and patience can make a significant difference.
6. Reframing Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth
Rather than viewing conflict as a threat, see it as a chance to strengthen the relationship by understanding each other better. Approach difficult discussions with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Communication is not just about what is said—it is about what is heard, interpreted, and emotionally processed. Trauma and rejection sensitivity create barriers to clear understanding, making it easy for conversations to spiral into miscommunication and conflict. By fostering self-awareness, validating emotions, and prioritising active listening, we can navigate these interactions with greater empathy and clarity.
Difference in perception does not have to mean division. When we approach conversations with openness, we bridge the gap between misunderstanding and connection, allowing relationships to thrive rather than fracture.
Have you experienced the gap in communication and comprehension above? Let’s talk about it. It does not have to be a constant struggle that leaves you ruminating over conversations and gaps in communication. I work with many clients, self-diagnosed and undiagnosed with neurodivergence, and those overcoming childhood trauma, who together, we work to address the communication cycles and relationship patterns that affect their lives.
Come and find out more at www.theequilibriumcoach.com and book a free 15-minute consultation to start your therapy journey.
With much understanding and love,
Novena-Chanel, The Equilibrium Coach™️
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